I’m going to try writing again… after all this time. I am trying to heal my broken heart and to find peace even though I’m not really sure what peace looks like for me anymore.
Exactly one year ago I was fighting for my future. I sat in the Deschutes County Courtroom and I listened to the prosecutors try to convince a jury that I was a horrible person. I heard them, but I knew who I was. When I forgot, the people in my life who loved me were there to remind me. I was humbled, I was touched, I was supported… but I was also heartbroken. I have never felt such devastation. I was terrified. I prostrated myself before God and the Universe and strained my entire being with a plea to allow me freedom from my living hell.
By the end of two weeks, I walked away having suffered a gross miscarriage of justice, but I did not walk away defeated.
In the last twelve months, I have floundered. I have cried, lashed out at people who love me, put myself in harm’s way, and felt so completely alone that I honestly thought it would kill me, but it didn’t. I am still here. I am still fighting.
I think I’m starting to understand that I will ALWAYS be fighting. There are moments in life that offer a break and give me the chance to catch my breath, but the war goes on. This journey, this life, will always present heartbreak, hardship, and challenges. That is okay. These battles are won with love, humility, and compassion. The best place to start utilizing such weapons is with me.
Thank you for fighting with me.